Its always funny bumping into a friend on the street, especially when you feel like you’re surrounded by hundreds of thousands of strangers, what are the odds?? A couple weeks ago I was biking down a residential street at about 9 pm and happened to see a female friend of mine.  She was on the phone but signaled for me to stop and say hi.  I walked over and I could overhear that she was talking with a new guy.  Figuring out who it was, I knew that they hadn’t been hanging out for too long.  Putting a finger up in the air signalling to me that she’d need just another minute she half turned and said, “I’m two blocks away right now and can be over in 5, wait…is that too presumptuous of me?”

Weeks later and I’m still following-up every statement with, “wait, unless that’s too presumptuous of me.”

I think cheesy pick up lines are as funny as the next person does. But one of the first times I was ever in a bar a cute guy walked up to me and with a straight face said “Hey, did you fart? Because you blow me away.”
I have no idea what reaction he was going for but after more than a minute of stunned silence his nerve broke and he just kind of… backed away.

This guy, Mike Geurink, gave this stand up act at his company talent show. Basically his F U, I don’t care if you fire me before I quit.

After the video ends he continues to wonder if Chewey masturbates by rubbing his stomach and then… how does he clean that up?

Awkward Office Spoon

A friend of mine’s cousin was set up on a blind date a couple years back.  The mutual friends setting them up knew that these two people would click immediately if they ever met and after a great dinner out it certainly appeared to be the case.  On the drive home they joked about how blind dates are usually so awkward and stressful and both were thankful for each other’s relative normalcy.  Since everything had been going so well, Tom didn’t hesitate to invite Sarah back to his place and Sarah didn’t hesitate when she said yes. 

In the morning, Tom woke up early for a meeting and gently woke up Sarah to say, “Good morning. I’m sorry to wake you but I’ve got an early meeting in the city. I wanted to thank you again for a great night last night.  Sleep in as late as you want and there’s coffee already made in the kitchen if you want some.  I locked the front door so just close the door behind you when you leave.”  Sarah smiled, still half asleep and still in a pleasant daze from the night before.  As Tom walked out of the room he turned back and said, “Oh hey I almost forgot to tell you the downstairs toilet is on the fritz but the upstairs one works.”    

An hour later Sarah woke up and lazily walked to the kitchen.  She drank a cup a coffee at the kitchen counter while reading the morning’s newspaper. Glancing over to the stack of mail sitting by the toaster oven, Sarah thought about flipping through some of the letters sitting there but decided against it.  The sound of her cell phone in the bedroom snapped her out of her daze, running to pick it up she realized that she had completely forgotten about a presentation she was to give for a new client later that morning. She swiftly put on her shoes and fumbled around on the floor to find her jacket.  Just as she was walking to the counter to write Tom a note when her morning coffee hit and she knew she had to use the bathroom before rushing to the subway stop two blocks away.  After a satisfying coffee induced-deuce, Sarah extended her arm to flush when she nervously remembered that in her haste she had used the downstairs bathroom with the toilet on the fritz.  Frantically she giggled the handle but to no avail it wouldn’t flush.

“Shit!” she exclaimed loudly.

Sarah paced back and forth the bathroom wondering what to do.  She looked around the room for something to fish it out with.  Maybe he wouldn’t notice if put it in the shower, “guys are sticklers for cleanliness anyways right?” she said to herself. In a sudden moment of clarity she ran to the kitchen, grabbed a large Ziploc baggy from the cabinet and scooped out her recent surprise from the toilet.  Sarah vigorously washed her hands and carefully wiped all excess moisture from the outside of the Ziploc bag. Tightly sealed Sarah placed the bag on the kitchen counter, picked up a pen and quickly scribbled out a note: 

Thanks for a wonderful dinner and all the laughs!  Looking forward to seeing you again soon, give me a call and maybe we can grab drinks on Friday ###-##-####. 

- xoxo,  Sarah

Exhaling a sigh of relief after the morning’s debacle Sarah closed the door behind her and combed her fingers through her hair.  In doing so she instantly realized that she was not holding the Ziploc bag anymore, she had left the shit…. in a bag…. right next to the note she had written for Tom.  Her face turned instantly white and she turned around in panic, slowly and anxiously grabbing the door knob. She gripped it and turned as hard as she could but it was locked.  She tried all the windows, all locked.  No trellises to climb up to the second story on and no basement to break into.  What had started out as a story of the best first date ever ended up becoming the infamous story of the shit in a bag. 

Tom still hasn’t called Sarah about getting that drink.

I was out in a bar with my sisters this past winter and had a bit too much tequilla (there is such a thing). Pretty late in the evening I met a funny, rough around the edges guy in a I <3 Virginia T and we became instant bff. We talked for hours, bought rounds, and I couldn’t figure out why my sisters weren’t warming up to him at all.

Well I woke up the next day with a terrible headache and more than a dozen pictures on my camera of myself with a very creepy fat old man in a graphically disgusting I <3 Vagina T-shirt.

And the Congressional Awkward Spoon Award goes to (drum roll please……) Speaker of the House Rep. John Boehner. 

The Cherry Blossom Festival is a cool time of year. These trees in DC were a special gift from Japan and when they bloom, they are a special pink color that lasts about a week before turning white. Perfect date right?

I decided to take this new girl that I had met out to the Cherry Blossom Festival hoping that she would be swept up in the beauty of nature and my smooth words. After walking for a while and having witty banter, I couldn’t decide how to make a move. This was the best I could come up with at the moment.

Hey, see all the Japanese tourists? Well, we all look the same, so do you want to hold my hand so you don’t end up getting lost?

It worked, but was really awkward for that moment that felt like forever. Ahem…

I was on the metro yesterday and there was this girl stubbornly covering her eyes with her hands. I couldn’t figure it out.

Until I realized that her wildly gesticulating boyfriend was actually signing and that made the simple act of covering her eyes the best deaf person burn I had ever witnessed.

me:  I guess I wasn’t always the smooth talking guy I am now. that story might be cute now but trust me, it was SOOOO awkward then.

N Bluth:   oh i bet. i am the queen of those situations

N Bluth:  once a classmate in college tried to buy me a beer and i stuttered on so long about how i only liked him as a friend i guess but he should  know that i had this other crush so he and i probably weren’t going to work out if that was what this beer was about then um.. errr…that he walked away with my beer in hand